Tag Archives: self-loathing

A Thought for 2018: Be Kind … To Yourself!

“Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.”
– Rumi –

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It has taken me a very long time to come to grips with how harshly I often judge myself. Those familiar with the Enneagram will understand the judge and jury that are the companions of Ones – you don’t need to beat us up too much when we have failed, we are experts at holding ourselves to strict account. It’s exhausting!

Learning to be kind to myself has taken time. Isn’t it strange how we can show such patience and understanding towards others but often fail to apply the same kindness to ourselves? Many readers will identify with that disapproving voice in our heads that becomes amplified when we do not meet our often unrealistic expectations. We all deal with it in different ways. Learning to truly love who we are and to be kind to ourselves can be one of life’s greatest lessons.

Dr Kristin Neff suggests that ‘self-compassion’ is allowing ourselves the same kindness and care we would give to a good friend. She explains the three elements of self-compassion as:

1. Self-Kindness vs. Self-Judgement.

In order to be kind to ourselves, we realise that perfection is never achievable and that we have compassionate understanding for when we suffer, fail, or feel inadequate, rather than ignoring our pain or flagellating ourselves.

2. Common Humanity vs. Isolation.

She explains that there is a danger in isolating ourselves and nurturing the idea that we are the only person suffering or who makes mistakes. Rather, we need to recognise that suffering and personal inadequacy are part of the shared human experience – something we all face.

3. Mindfulness vs. Over-Identification.

This means taking a balanced approach to our emotions so that our negative feelings are neither suppressed nor exaggerated. Mindfulness is a practice in which we observe our thoughts and feelings without judgement, simply for what they are without trying to suppress or deny them. At the same time, we are not to be ‘over-identified’ with our thoughts and feelings so that we are caught up in them.

Self-compassion is not self-pity (being immersed in our own problems), it is not self-indulgence (demonstrated by over-eating, taking drugs, etc), and it is not to be mistaken with self-esteem (which can become an unhealthy pursuit of Western culture to determine our worth and how special we are). To be kind to ourselves we don’t have to feel better than others and we don’t need to feed any narcissistic tendencies. We simply understand that all humans deserve kindness and understanding – and that includes us!

So as you plan or glance at 2018 here is a suggestion. Look in the mirror and realise that you are a living being (I don’t like to narrow it simply to the human world) and that all living beings require kindness. In fact, kindness changes things. It diffuses anger, it creates a better world, it brings peace, and it carries joy. There is a divine energy in kindness that cannot be measured or contained but it is transformational. If you set one goal for 2018 let it be kindness and include yourself in that goal! Dr Neff provides some exercises in this practice of mindful compassion – see link.

Long before our modern world, a Rabbi said we should love our neighbour as we love ourselves (Mark 12:31). As the divine source, Jesus understood the inter-connectedness of our world and that we cannot be in peaceful, loving relationship with others when our inner world is filled with judgement and self-loathing. So as you go on this path of embracing kindness, remember that you are letting go of perhaps a life-long habit of yelling at yourself. In the quest for greater kindness, be patient with yourself.

May 2018 be filled with shalom and kindness.

“With self-compassion, we give ourselves the same kindness and care we’d give to a good friend.” – Dr Kristin Neff – 

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“Youer Than You” – Saying No To Comparison

“Today you are You, that is truer than true. There is no one alive that is Youer than You.”
– Dr Seuss –

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You may be someone who looks back fondly on your school years: friendships, laughter and camaraderie. My school years were complicated. We moved around continents and countries and I changed schools regularly. It felt like the moment I began to settle and form new friendships there would be another house move and the inevitable change of schools. A new environment meant a whole new silent learning about the social order of the classroom and the playground. When I compared myself to the other kids in my new environment it didn’t take long to realise that I was the one on the outer. A skinny, dorky, spectacled German child, who did not really care for cheerleading or sports (unless it was watching heavyweight boxing matches or German soccer games with my dad), did not bode well when trying to fit into the country of “braaivleis, rugby, sunny skies and Chevrolet” (South Africa).

Comparison seems to be the social motivation upon which most schools are built upon. We learn the technique of comparison far more quickly and intrinsically than we do English or Maths. From a young age, we are taught to recognise those who are different to us and with it comes the cruel social obligation to make sure this person, or these people, know that they are different. This creates a herd angst to ensure that we all fit in. Comparison has made idiots out of all of us. Through the power of social media, we have now enabled a younger generation to analyse themselves 24/7, unable to escape that sense of incompetence and self-loathing that comparison brings.

Centuries before psychologists raised the alarm about this detrimental human behaviour of comparison, there was a man who touched on it in his writings. Saint Paul wrote numerous letters, or epistles, to various congregations in the first century, which can be read in the New Testament. Amongst his many words of wisdom was the idea that when we are children we think and behave like children but when we grow up we need to put childish thought and behaviour patterns behind us (1 Corinthians 13:11). Writing to the same Corinthian congregation in another letter he says that those who compare themselves with each other are serious idiots (my translation – 2 Corinthians 10:12). It seems that part of Paul’s plea to Corinth was to stop the childishness of allowing egos to run unbridled, to grow up and learn that love is the greatest of all. We should heed his words. There is nothing loving about comparison and there comes a time when we need to silence it’s very loud, mouthy and judgemental voice in our heads.

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Mark Twain once said that “comparison is the death of joy”. Research backs his statement showing how when we compare ourselves with others we become increasingly envious, depressed, distrusting and lacking in self-confidence. Engaging in paralysing comparison creates self-loathing. Remember, that in most instances, especially when it comes to social media, you are comparing yourself to someone’s highlight snapshot: a tiny fragment of their life, nearly always positive, adventuresome and happy. This is NOT their whole life – it’s a tiny SNAPSHOT and sometimes it is totally incongruent with what is actually going on in their life! When you compare yourself to someone’s SNAPSHOT you will think that you are missing out on life … but, darling friend, their life has just as many issues, mundanity, hardship, tears and suffering as yours … it’s just not on Snapchat, Facebook or Instagram!

When we compare we will always lose. Always! Why? Because we are not meant to live someone else’s life, dream someone else’s dream or envy someone else’s journey. Our social compass and sense of ‘self’ became scrambled when comparison entered the mix! Violence, greed and murder … list all the evil of humanity … many of these things started when we stopped being satisfied and content with the path we were given and wanted another life. In contrast, joy comes creeping back when we start to retrain our brain to stop comparing our life to another. When we recognise that our life, with all its ups and downs, is a gift, and only we can live it!

“There is no one alive that is Youer than You” is the prophetic statement of Dr Seuss into each one of our lives. Maybe it is time to lay aside the glamorous, photo-shopped magazines that crowd our shelves and pick up our own dusty, neglected personal epic? Maybe it’s time to delete some personas off social media or go on a tech blackout? Maybe it’s time to make friends again with the person staring back at you in the mirror? Marcus Aurelius once mused about how much time we gain when we stop worrying about what others are doing, thinking or saying, but rather focus on living our lives. So stand up tall, get back on your track and live your magnificent life.

“Owning our story and loving ourselves through that process is the bravest thing we will ever do.”
– Brene Brown –

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