A Thought for 2018: Be Kind … To Yourself!

“Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.”
– Rumi –

00_1474351600_

It has taken me a very long time to come to grips with how harshly I often judge myself. Those familiar with the Enneagram will understand the judge and jury that are the companions of Ones – you don’t need to beat us up too much when we have failed, we are experts at holding ourselves to strict account. It’s exhausting!

Learning to be kind to myself has taken time. Isn’t it strange how we can show such patience and understanding towards others but often fail to apply the same kindness to ourselves? Many readers will identify with that disapproving voice in our heads that becomes amplified when we do not meet our often unrealistic expectations. We all deal with it in different ways. Learning to truly love who we are and to be kind to ourselves can be one of life’s greatest lessons.

Dr Kristin Neff suggests that ‘self-compassion’ is allowing ourselves the same kindness and care we would give to a good friend. She explains the three elements of self-compassion as:

1. Self-Kindness vs. Self-Judgement.

In order to be kind to ourselves, we realise that perfection is never achievable and that we have compassionate understanding for when we suffer, fail, or feel inadequate, rather than ignoring our pain or flagellating ourselves.

2. Common Humanity vs. Isolation.

She explains that there is a danger in isolating ourselves and nurturing the idea that we are the only person suffering or who makes mistakes. Rather, we need to recognise that suffering and personal inadequacy are part of the shared human experience – something we all face.

3. Mindfulness vs. Over-Identification.

This means taking a balanced approach to our emotions so that our negative feelings are neither suppressed nor exaggerated. Mindfulness is a practice in which we observe our thoughts and feelings without judgement, simply for what they are without trying to suppress or deny them. At the same time, we are not to be ‘over-identified’ with our thoughts and feelings so that we are caught up in them.

Self-compassion is not self-pity (being immersed in our own problems), it is not self-indulgence (demonstrated by over-eating, taking drugs, etc), and it is not to be mistaken with self-esteem (which can become an unhealthy pursuit of Western culture to determine our worth and how special we are). To be kind to ourselves we don’t have to feel better than others and we don’t need to feed any narcissistic tendencies. We simply understand that all humans deserve kindness and understanding – and that includes us!

So as you plan or glance at 2018 here is a suggestion. Look in the mirror and realise that you are a living being (I don’t like to narrow it simply to the human world) and that all living beings require kindness. In fact, kindness changes things. It diffuses anger, it creates a better world, it brings peace, and it carries joy. There is a divine energy in kindness that cannot be measured or contained but it is transformational. If you set one goal for 2018 let it be kindness and include yourself in that goal! Dr Neff provides some exercises in this practice of mindful compassion – see link.

Long before our modern world, a Rabbi said we should love our neighbour as we love ourselves (Mark 12:31). As the divine source, Jesus understood the inter-connectedness of our world and that we cannot be in peaceful, loving relationship with others when our inner world is filled with judgement and self-loathing. So as you go on this path of embracing kindness, remember that you are letting go of perhaps a life-long habit of yelling at yourself. In the quest for greater kindness, be patient with yourself.

May 2018 be filled with shalom and kindness.

“With self-compassion, we give ourselves the same kindness and care we’d give to a good friend.” – Dr Kristin Neff – 

38b97d5c6a1fec2b74fdf7962c85d77a_l

 

Please follow and like us:

A Letter to My Heart

 “The best and most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched – they must be felt with the heart.” – Helen Keller 

heart-159637

It was a remarkable experience to observe my heart on the echocardiographer’s screen. A tiny benefit of having a sudden onset of heart palpitations and the myriad of tests that accompany this complaint. I listed to my heart as he turned the sound up – pumping in a regular rhythm like it has for fifty-one years. Life really is phenomenal.

Aristotle described the heart as the most important organ in the body. Ancient civilisations identified the heart as the seat of intelligence, spirituality and emotion. All over the world, the heart shape is synonymous with romantic love and affection. It grew particularly popular through the Renaissance when it was used in the religious arts, depicting the Sacred Heart of Christ. Today the heart symbol dominates our social media feed – like the ancient Romans, we use the heart as a symbol of love and life.

Mystics of every faith tradition have had a connection to the heart and the Way of Love. Mystics speak to the heart. They see the journey of the heart as a cosmic love song. The prayer of the mystic is one of the heart, of deepening love and finding inner peace and solace. This prayer begins by listening to the heart …

“My heart, aflame in love, set afire every heart that came in touch with it.
My heart has been rent and joined again;
My heart has been broken and again made whole;
My heart has been wounded and healed again,” writes Hazrat Inayat Khan (The Dance of the Soul)

“Only from the heart can you touch the sky.” Rumi

“Happy the heart where love has come to birth.” Teresa of Avila

“The seasons of my heart change like the seasons of the fields. There are seasons of wonder and hope, seasons of suffering and love, seasons of healing. There are seasons of dying and rising, seasons of faith.” Macrina Wiederkehr (Seasons of Your Heart)

1352886a92b7067fdc7fc63d7ecbb871

So as I lay there, looking at my hard working heart, I was overcome with gratitude. My heart and I have been through the storms and sunshine of life. Together we have loved deeply, raged bitterly, grieved quietly and laughed outrageously. So I write this note of gratitude to my heart:

Dear Heart,

Seldom do I stop to express my gratitude to you. Thank you for being there through the many seasons of my life. As a young child, travelling the world and continents, anxiously trying to adapt to new people and new surroundings, you were there, your rhythm brought me comfort.

In moments of my greatest joy, like meeting the love of my life, or holding my three precious babies in my arms, you beat a little faster to remind me of the wonder of love.

When I walked through the storm and fire, when I had to say goodbye and I thought you would break, you remained steadfast.

I don’t always heed your warnings: slow down, listen, come sit for awhile. Rather, I often charge through life like a tornado that has lost its way. Yet you do not give up on me, your remain faithful as the tides of the sea.

So, dear heart, as I walk through this second half of life, I choose to listen to you. I realise that love is what makes this world go round and that all my endeavours are in vain unless I have you filled with love. Love for those around me, love for my enemies, love for our fragile planet, love for myself … which probably is the hardest of all. I choose to listen and I choose love. I choose the path of gratitude. I choose the journey of the heart.”

Now, dear friend, it’s your turn. Take a moment to listen to your heart. What does it want to say to you? Draw a picture, write a poem and remember that you, you are fearfully and wonderfully made.

“Keep love in your heart. A life without it is like a sunless garden when the flowers are dead.” – Oscar Wilde

3775328-rumi-quotes-mystic-philosophy-taureans-tales

Please follow and like us: