Category Archives: Family, Friends & Foe

In the Name of God: Reflections on Bullying and Religion

Bullying: the use of force, threat, or coercion to abuse, intimidate, or dominate others. If you are anything like me, you have experienced your fair share of bullying, especially through those ‘delightful’ school years. In the middle of my cyber-bullying-122156_1280first grade in Germany, they discovered I had severe astigmatism, and I became the proud owner of a rather huge pair of round glasses. My latest acquisition made me the perfect target for those seeking to “intimidate or dominate others”. The following year we relocated to South Africa and I was the immigrant kid who spoke no English or Afrikaans. I became well acquainted with the inside of the school library, as it offered the perfect refuge from bullies.

Today everyone is talking about bullying, sadly because we now need to know how to survive, and teach our children to survive, in a culture of bullying. Social media, reality TV shows, talk shows, politics, schools, workplace, the list goes on – every space has its bullies, with devastating results. People bully because there’s a rush that comes with power, they are often encouraged by others which provides positive reinforcement, they have an inability to feel empathy and may even derive pleasure from someone else’s pain, and/or they come from a background that shows no affection and may even model aggression. Bullying is a rampant social problem and I am pleased to see it addressed in many forums. However, what if that bullying is related to God?

There are a few books released on this subject of bullying and spiritual abuse. Bullying is disastrous in all situations. Yet bullying in the name of God is often tolerated for a very long time. Why? Because it is so hard to recognise. When God is attached to the rhetoric of the bully, the victim is being emotionally attacked and manipulated. However, the victim also has a desire to ‘please God’ or be ‘obedient to God’ and may feel that the bully is speaking for, or acting on, God’s behalf. This makes the whole scenario very confusing. More often than not, the person does not even realise they are being bullied. Someone can use the Bible in such a manner that it sounds correct, but rather than bringing life and comfort, the listener is being intimidated or manipulated. In this case, faith has become toxic.
florence-378070_1280
I have a dear friend who spent many years of her life in a cult. A cult that determined how she lived her life and that was involved in all major decisions she had to make. A cult that treated her with absolute abusive contempt. Yet she remained faithful and submissive to this group for many years. Brainwashing is a cult tactic. My friend believed that being submissive was ‘God’s will’ and that disobeying the ‘Fatherhood’ (elders and spiritual oversight), was the same as disobeying God. Never underestimate the power of a bully coupled with faith and religion. Some of you may be interested in reading her story.

Religion and bullying take many forms. The bullies are often motivated by sincere religious ideals. As parents we can coerce our children to believe or behave in ways that line up with our faith ideologies. However, these tactics can be soul destroying. I have been listening to the sad stories of many LGBTI young people who have been bullied by their families and/or faith communities, all in the name of God. The ex-gay moment, in their attempt to ‘straighten out’ LGBTI folk, has often resorted to all forms of bullying with devastating results (please know that if you have been a victim of this movement that there is help and information available). Religious schools can resort to a form of bullying in their disciplinary measures. I recall one of my children’s faith and character being questioned because she talked in class, insinuating her childish behaviour does not ‘please God’. This sort of manipulation on impressionable young minds can have long-term effects on a person’s confidence and self-image.
worried-girl-413690_1280
Perhaps one of the most common forms of bullying is in faith communities themselves. Those deemed spiritual leaders can suggest various things from a place of ‘spiritual authority’ that really is a form of bullying. A friend of mine recently blogged on this topic. He wrote about the harm done to people suffering from mental illness who listen, via sermons or books, to others seeking to ‘educate’ on the subject of mental illness, who have no form of education or qualification: “What is readily apparent throughout The Power of Right Believing is that Prince has no understanding of mental illness and addiction, no awareness of its myriad causes, and no knowledge of the complex medicinal and psychological strategies that will help a person (and their family) to manage (not cure) the lifelong challenge of living with the illness.” This is gross negligence at best, and a form of bullying at its worst.

Although bullying in faith communities is often discussed in regards to abuse from spiritual leaders, I have also observed bullying by congregation members against religious leaders. Most often, both sides believe they have God on their side and therefore the despicable behaviour and/or words are justified. Religious bullies often think themselves as ‘prophetic’, bearers of the truth, and apart from feeling persecuted, they are generally angry with this ‘wicked’ world.

Some signs of religious bullying can include:
– criticism and belittling
– intimidating others
– spreading rumours, gossip and lies
– excluding and isolating others
– never admit any wrong
– refusal to show remorse or seek forgiveness for any wrongdoing
– zero empathy or understanding of what the other feels like
– aggression (this can be in words or even print)bible-879085_1280
– domineering
– martyr complex

 

There are many helpful ideas on how to cope with religious bullies. One of the top rules: Give them no oxygen. Trust me, that sounds a lot easier than it actually is. I faced some serious bullying from religious lobby groups earlier this year and everything in me just wanted to take them out … but then I would become just like them: a bully. When we are the target of religious poison everything in us wants to dexify. Don’t. Let it go. That is horrible punishment for bullies who, often suffering from narcissistic personality disorder, crave our reaction.

In conclusion, maybe a most uncomfortable truth. Most of us, at some stage, have acted like bullies. We have intimidated others. We have coerced and manipulated others to do our bidding. No genuine conversation about bullying can happen without this recognition. I look back on my life and recognise many moments when I was the bully, when I was the oppressor, when I inflicted pain on others. To truly see social change in this area we need to recognise the human malady of insatiable hunger for power and dominance. This distorted survival mode does not exempt anyone, including, and maybe especially, religious folk who also have a God to bring into bullying tactics. We all need to be aware of the bully within, to move our lives from an ego-centric focus to one of love and grace.pogo-enemy(Please note: Links are underlined)

 

Teisha’s Story: A Life Interrupted

I met Teisha in 2012. It does not take long to recognise that behind this kind, funny and intelligent woman also lies incredible strength. There is no doubt that part of this strength was fashioned because she had to face some major curve balls that life threw at her.

11149719_1647835412102731_6579425741576113700_o

Teisha was just twenty-two and on a fast track to corporate success when her life was interrupted by a huge and unexpected hurdle. For the next four years she grieved for her lost dreams, caught in an avalanche of endless hospital ordeals and gruelling rehabilitation. Her devastating physical condition came to dominate her identity… until she decided to turn her hurdle into hope.

She committed herself to finding joy where it seemed impossible. Turning an existence of debilitating lows into a life of exhilarating highs, she left her homeland to travel the world. She left creature comforts to help orphans overseas. She left corporate life to become a social worker among the homeless and lonely. She found new gifts, new perspectives, new homes, new friends and in an amazing set of circumstances she found love.

She says this: “My life is unrecognisable to years ago. Today I’m no longer filled with negative energy nor overwhelmed by a life filled with uncertainty. Instead I’ve been able to find joy in my everyday life and have a genuine excitement about my future.

Early in my journey I experienced many aggressive relapses. But faced with poor health, I was hesitant to make changes in my life. I was living the life I had always planned. I’d finished university, commenced a corporate career and engrossed in Melbourne inner city living. 1423726695699

In my mind making changes to my life, altering any plans I had for the future, signified defeat. Even if I had wanted to make any life changes, I didn’t know what to change or how. As a consequence my health suffered and I felt stagnant; unsure how to move forward.

For me the key to moving beyond the darkness and frustration of living with MS has been momentum. I’ve been able to move beyond the negative energy by actively seeking new perspectives that challenge the way I think about, interact with and approach my illness and life.

Travelling overseas, studying social work, volunteering in Romania, living in a country town, exploring different approaches to wellbeing opened my world. I began to think about my life differently.

1423726745749Teisha’s story, in someway,  resonates with so many of our lives. We all face different hurdles. Teisha used hers as a way to discover that life itself is greater than whatever may interrupt our dreams. I wanted to highlight her story and the discoveries she shares in finding hope and a future, amidst difficulties.

Teisha, to me, is one of those everyday heroes that has not allowed extremely difficult circumstances to rob her of living life to the full and being fully present. She is a huge source of inspiration to so many around her. There are so many lessons we can learn from her story, perhaps most importantly, that our often interrupted lives and the hurdles we face can lead us to hope and a new beginning.

Check out Teisha’s blog at Lives Interrupted.

Origins

In a few months time I will be trekking via a hellhole, known as economy class, to the home of my patriarchal ancestors. I will be visiting a part of Poland which was once known as East Prussia. Arriving in Warsaw, the beloved and I will hire a car and navigate the Polish roads to the city of Elk, once known as Lyck. It was here, around 1944, that all sorts of horrendous dramas unfolded for my grandmother and her children as they fled the Red Army at the end of WW2 (my grandfather had died in the battle of Stalingrad).

IMG_0152 (1) My grandparents: Ilse & Leo Meyer

I have found the genealogical research a very troublesome process, not just because of the countless documents that have been destroyed. It has also been difficult to read the heart wrenching, historical narrative of desperate people caught up in the horrors of WW2, no matter what ‘side’ they were from.  The more I dig, the more I wonder: “Why am I doing this?” Hours of work may result, if I am fortunate, with a minuscule detail of information that may or may not further the progress of discovering some of my heritage.

31357_k1_Atlm0ErRmQz0BBQWlVS

My research took me to a “Church of ‘Jesus Christ’ of Latter Day Saints” near my home, which provides access to thousands of documents to assist those tracing the footsteps of their ancestors. I was welcomed by a lady who bore an uncanny resemblance to Professor Trelawney. In the course of conversation she mentioned that she spends nearly every day of the week here and has managed to trace her family history to the 7th century. It was a strange conversation as she gushed forth detailed information about her lineage with that mad gleam of a genealogical zealot in her eyes; eyes that were boring into my soul, wanting me to grasp the magnitude of the importance of her obsession. Desperately trying to remain interested I kept being distracted by the giant teacup by her computer, wondering whether there were traces of tealeaves at the bottom? In my head I was thinking, “A friggin’ name, lady, I am just after one elusive name.”

34A9950A-9A6E-46D3-961A-274F7EC2CFF8

So what exactly drives someone like this charming, ancestral extremist to embark on this magnitude of research? And what has made genealogical research one of the most popular hobbies and a global phenomenon?

The fascination with our lineage seems to go back into antiquity. Some have argued that it is a sense of feeling connected to others that is the motivation behind the hours of research work. Eviatar Zerubavel, in his book, ‘Ancestors & Relatives: Genealogy, Identity and Community’, challenges the way we look at genealogy. Rather than simply documenting who our ancestors were, it is a process of constructing a narrative to link ourselves to our ancestors.

Genealogies, he argues, aren’t simply a straightforward account of our ancestries, rather they are the heavily curated social constructions of our imagined values.”No other animals have ‘second cousins once removed,'” Zerubavel points out, “or are aware of having had great-great-great-grandparents”. Only humans have the ability to expand family trees and accrue large numbers of ‘optional’ relatives. We construct our genealogies by choosing, out of a nearly endless array of possibly important or interesting ancestors, the ones who matter to us.

So is our search for origin simply a search for meaning? And do we use distant relatives to construct a narrative that in some way feeds the need to discover meaning in our lives?  I would say this idea certainly plays a factor into my research. That, and sheer curiosity. If Zerubavel is correct in his argument, then is it any wonder in a world of disconnection, suspicion and tribal disintergration, people take to studying their ancestors – looking for stories that bring meaning to existence? Do genealogical studies provide a little bit of comfort for the existential angst that gnaws in each of us? And perhaps that is why, generally speaking, we have a love affair with fairytales? Because like our own historical narrative, they help us dream and imagine stories of greatness and mystery.

Since water still flows, though we cut it with swords,
And sorrow returns, though we drown it with wine,
Since the world can in no way satisfy our cravings,
Let us loosen our hair tomorrow and go fishing. 

–Li Po